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With a nod to 'Angels & Demons,' we offer an unauthorized and highly suspect guide to the most exclusive clubs in the movies

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By Sean Axmaker
Special to MSN Movies

"The first rule of Illuminati is: You do not talk about Illuminati. The second rule of Illuminati is: You DO NOT talk about Illuminati!"

OK, they probably don't actually begin recruiting meetings like that, but you get the idea. The Illuminati is a secret society that supposedly pulls the strings behind the seats of power in governments and multinational corporations. At least that's one theory. Since no one really knows (it's a secret society, remember?), it makes for great fodder for conspiracy novels and movie thrillers, and single-handedly sustained the career of Robert Anton Wilson. With "Angels & Demons" (the novel and the movie), the cryptic confederation of conspirators makes the leap from fringe fiction to mainstream America and takes on the Roman Catholic Church, a very public institution with its own history of secrets and serious bad blood with the Illuminati.

Whether it be shrewdly enigmatic institution or paranoid fever-dream fiction, the Illuminati is merely the most conspicuous of the shadowy secret societies that fuel the imaginations of conspiracy theorists, screenwriters and the Dan Brown-inspired industry of supermarket paperback thrillers. Let's face it: We're suckers for insidiously secretive organizations and cryptic conspiracies. Just ask Oliver Stone. He's made a career on satisfying such appetites.

But once the credits roll and the lights come up, is membership in a secret society really for you? Do you think you have what it takes to join an organization that demands total obedience and silence? Since we can't get any information from the societies themselves (it's that whole "secret" thing), we've looked to the most reliable source of information we know -- the movies! -- for our research into the most notable organizations shrouded in a vow of silence. We make no claims of definitive scholarship here. We don't even admit to the actual existence of these organizations, let alone the accuracy of the information.

We'd like to, mind you, but then we'd have to kill you.

The Freemasons

As seen in: "National Treasure," "The Man Who Would Be King," "From Hell," "Murder By Decree"
Stated goals / secret agendas: Charitable work and community leadership, but there are those who see a vast conspiracy behind the façade of social respectability and moral role models.
Famous members: George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Mark Twain, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Jack the Ripper
What to look for in an applicant: A cross between a Boy Scout and a civic-minded entrepreneur.
Member benefits: Secret handshake and communication codes.
Watch out for: The Roman Catholic Church -- they're suspicious of all secrecy under the guise of benevolent services. They should know.
Dress code: None, though many work the Masonic symbol (the square and compass) into their fashion accessories: pins, buttons, maybe even secret Masonic underwear. Or is that the Mormons?
Fun activities: All those secret rituals!
Interesting (if not necessarily true) trivia from the movies: The American Revolution was launched by a Masonic brotherhood, who also smuggled the treasures of the Knights Templar to America (see "National Treasure"). Apparently, Jack the Ripper was also a Masonic conspiracy (see "From Hell" and "Murder By Decree" -- and, by gosh, if two films say it's so, then who am I to argue?).

Skull and Bones

As seen in: "The Good Shepherd," "The Skulls"
Stated goals / secret agendas: Fraternal brotherhood of Yale students insidiously using their connections to dominate American political and economic worlds.
Famous members: George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, John Kerry, William F. Buckley, Henry Luce
What to look for in an applicant: Campus leaders, sports heroes, social elites with powerful parents and blind ambition
Member benefits: Favorable consideration in job interviews with fellow Boneheads (Boners? Bonesmen? I can never remember which one).
Watch out for: Upsetting very powerful sponsors. If "The Skulls" is anything to go by, they have hired assassins on speed dial to deal with unruly members.
Dress code: Dress for success
Fun activities: Grave robbing (they apparently stole the skulls of Martin Van Buren, Geronimo and Pancho Villa), drinking contests and other immature gestures of social dominance.
Interesting (if not necessarily true) trivia from the movies: The original CIA leadership was recruited from the Skull and Bones membership (see "The Good Shepherd").

The Knights Templar

As seen in: "Ivanhoe," "Kingdom of Heaven," "Tombs of the Blind Dead"
Stated goals / secret agendas: The mission of the monastic order of knights was to protect Christian pilgrims in the Holy Land, but behind the scenes they created international financial networks and amassed great wealth. Which is why the French king turned on them in the 14th century.
What they look for in an applicant: A passion for adventure, a willingness for warfare, a fanatical devotion to the church and a head for business.
Member benefits: Looting foreign countries in the name of Christian values, a great retirement fund.
Watch out for: Secret trials, torture and being burned at the stake.
Dress code: White cape with a red cross over a suit of armor. (They're not much for casual wear.)
Fun activities: The Crusades. Also, they apparently return from the dead as unstoppable zombies to take their revenge (see "Tombs of the Blind Dead" and sequels for the gory details).
Interesting (if not necessarily true) trivia from the movies: The Knights Templar tried to place Prince John on the throne while King Richard was on the Crusades, until Robin Hood and the Merry Men spoiled their plans (see "Ivanhoe").

Opus Dei

As seen in: "The Da Vinci Code"
Stated goals / secret agendas: It claims to be a harmless organization within the Roman Catholic Church espousing Catholic principles, but Dan Brown portrayed it as a radical splinter group within the Vatican willing to murder to keep church secrets.
Famous members: CIA double-agent Robert Hanssen (as seen in "Breach"), that crazy albino assassin in "The Da Vinci Code."
Membership requirements: A fanatical devotion to conservative Catholic values and the preservation of church power.
Member benefits: A vow of celibacy, an austere lifestyle, a lifetime of service. As you might imagine, its membership is small and exclusive.
Watch out for: Dan Brown. Another fictional portrayal like "The Da Vinci Code" and the Church may be pressured to write it off like they did the Knights Templar.
Dress code: Modest dress. Except for the fanatical followers, who lean toward simple robes, sandals and cilices (a chain of spikes worn tight around the arms and legs).
Fun activities: Self-flagellation and said spiked accessories. The enigmatic smile that Hanssen flashes in "Breach" may be directly related to the masochistic charge of his mortification.
Interesting (if not necessarily true) trivia from the movies: Opus Dei is the Pope's "personal prelature," which according to "The Da Vinci Code" translates as "private task force" and takes on holy missions with unholy methods.

Shaolin Temple

As seen in: "The 36th Chamber of Shaolin" (aka "Master Killer"), "Tai Chi Master," "Shaolin Soccer"
Stated goals / secret agendas: Zen and the art of martial combat, which the ancient order of monks in China kept alive even as various dynasties tried to suppress and destroy the temple.
Famous members: Liu Chia-hui, Fong Sai Yuk, Kwai Chang Caine, Kung Fu Panda
Membership requirements: Personal modesty, devotion to training and subservience to elders.
Member benefits: Skills, baby, skills.
Watch out for: Royal troops sent to burn Shaolin temples to the ground and slaughter all of the students.
Dress code: Loose fitting robes and pantaloons for unimpeded movement.
Fun activities: Rice wine after a day of endless training exercises, brawling with royal troops and swarms of bandits, concocting diabolical new training methods.
Interesting (if not necessarily true) trivia from the movies: Legendary student-turned-teacher Liu Chia-hui learned his technique by mastering the 35 individual chambers in his Shaolin Temple, each dedicated to a single, separate lesson, in record time. The same methods were adapted to modern American life by the great Sensei Miyagi, the man responsible for the now legendary training mantra: "Wax on, wax off."

Fight Club

As seen in: "Fight Club"
Stated goals / secret agendas: Formed as a brotherhood of men who took out their frustrations by beating the crap out of one another, but transformed into a revolutionary organization dedicated to take down the system and its shallow materialistic values.
Famous members: Tyler Durden
Membership requirements: The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. The rest follow from there. It also helps to be functionally schizophrenic.
Member benefits: Basement clubhouse, a feeling of purpose, mayhem on a grand scale.
Watch out for: Bare knuckle brawls in the basement clubhouse
Dress code: Whatever
Fun activities: Bare knuckle brawls in the basement clubhouse
Interesting (if not necessarily true) trivia from the movies: If you want to blackmail a severance package from your boss, beating yourself into a bloody pulp in his office is a great form of leverage, not to mention intimidation.

The Order of the Phoenix

As seen in: "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"
Stated goals / secret agendas: The defense of the world against the return of Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters.
Famous members: Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, Sirius Black, Harry Potter
Membership requirements: Dumbledore's unflagging trust and respect
Member benefits: The warm feeling of being one of the good guys, a secret hideout with a password
Watch out for: Smear campaigns by the cowardly bureaucrats in the Ministry of Magic, harassment from Dolores Umbridge, cabin fever. Also, Sirius Black's mood swings can be a real downer.
Dress code: Optional, but wands are required.
Fun activities: Private lessons in magical defense via the unofficial junior league and social club spin-off "Dumbledore's Army"
Interesting (if not necessarily true) trivia from the movies: The Ministry of Magic is so corrupted by fear and self-interest that its abuse of power verges on criminal, yet any parallels between J.K. Rowling's fiction and certain recent American administrations are apparently purely coincidental.

SPECTRE (aka Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion)

As seen in: "Dr. No," "From Russia With Love," "Goldfinger" and other James Bond movies
Stated goals / secret agendas: World domination. No secret there.
Famous members: Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Dr. Julius No, Rosa Kleb, Auric Goldfinger, Emilio Largo
Membership requirements: Greed, avarice, ruthlessness, and a gift for terrorism, revenge and extortion
Member benefits: Unlimited henchmen, lavish secret hideouts, gadgets second only to James Bond's arsenal. Leadership comes with a nasty-looking white Persian cat.
Watch out for: Failure. You tend not to survive long enough for a second chance. The really unlucky failures are fed to sharks or tossed out of airplanes.
Dress code: High fashion all the way; as an international supercriminal, one must always make an impression.
Fun activities: It's all there in the title: terrorism, revenge and extortion.
Interesting (if not necessarily true) trivia from the movies: SPECTRE has been conspicuously absent from the international scene in recent years. It is speculated that they have become outdated in the world order and made irrelevant by the even greater threat posed by Wall Street financiers and international corporations such as AIG and Citigroup, all of which came far closer to destabilizing the world economy than this malevolent organization of supervillains ever did.

What secret society would you want to be a part of? Let us know at heymsn@microsoft.com.

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Sean Axmaker is a film critic for the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, a DVD columnist for MSN Entertainment and a contributing writer for GreenCine.com, Turner Classic Movies Online, Parallax View and Asian Cult Cinema, among other publications. Find links to all of this and more on his shamelessly self-promoting blog.