New on DVD

10 beloved romantic movies that are annoying, cloying or unintentionally dysfunctional

By Kim Morgan
Special to MSN Movies

Oh boy. Valentine's Day. A holiday that reminds couples of their romantic feelings for one another, a day that inspires wooers to turn up the volume on their courting, and a troubling time that (sorry) brings out the most desperate, obnoxious, guilt-ridden, dysfunctional sentiments in those forced to partake. Because, let's face it, many feel pressured by a day filled with conspicuous bouquets, ridiculous balloon arrangements and couples engaging in too many public displays of affection.

And then there are "romantic" movies ... perhaps some of the worst Valentine's Day offenders of all. Though mostly harmless diversions, entertainments we watch knowing full well how unrealistic they are, they also work as a reminder of how your life isn't anything like the movies or, worse, how delusional some viewers are. And no, I'm not talking truly great romantic movies like "Casablanca," "The Philadelphia Story," "The Apartment," or "The Big Sleep." I'm talking movies that are either overrated or, in some cases, just plain creepy. Here are 10 beloved modern love "classics" I find most egregious. Read, disagree, call me a cynical jerk, whatever. Just know I'll never sit through "Ghost" again.

"Pretty Woman" (1990)
Here's my problem with "Pretty Woman" -- it's not that Julia Roberts is a prostitute; rather, it's why is she a prostitute? Aside from discussing how her mother used to "lock her in an attic" (who wrote this? V.C. Andrews?), the picture rarely delves into that troublesome area called backstory or motivation, and we can only assume Roberts' incredibly healthy, sweet-hearted, model-beautiful Vivian is a streetwalker because she was abused or super depressed or hated her job at the Sizzler. Maybe she's just clinically perky. But who cares, right? We don't need to know why she has taken to the streets -- over becoming, say, one of Heidi's girls, a much more realistic Hollywood option for a woman who looks like Roberts. As long as we know it's not really what she wants to do with her life, it's fine. She wants, as she says, the "fairy tale," which she does indeed receive via Richard Gere's wealthy businessman, a guy who gives her the full Henry Higgins treatment while paying her to sleep with him (that part is realistic, sorry Eliza Doolittle). There's so much about this movie that's not romantic -- from the first embarrassing seduction scene, to the breakthrough moment when the couple fornicate and kiss on the lips, to the whole "you and I are both whores" reflection, to anything involving utensils. I've simply never understood why it became so instantly beloved. And the final scene is such BS lip service. When Gere plays the white knight, wooing and rescuing his princess from the clutches of a dumpy hotel room, she says, supposedly all plucky feminist, that, "She rescues him right back." Rescues him from what? The piles of money she's going to spend on Rodeo Drive?

"The Way We Were" (1973)
This is a tough one. For the most part, I revere Sydney Pollack. Not only did he direct one of my favorite downer movies of all time (the masterful "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?") but also the political-romantic gem "Three Days of the Condor." He also directed "Tootsie" and contributed a memorable performance as Dustin Hoffman's frustrated manager ("A tomato doesn't have logic!"). He also offered some of the most scathing moments in Woody Allen's brilliant anti-romance movie "Husbands and Wives." He's pretty much golden in my book. Except for his ridiculously overrated "The Way We Were," a movie that paired the mismatched Robert Redford with Barbra Streisand in a forced, syrupy period piece filled with cloying Marvin Hamlisch music and bland political tension. It hasn't aged well. Stick to the aforementioned Pollack, watch Redford in just about anything else, and check out Barbra in the infinitely superior and underrated "The Owl and the Pussycat," in which she plays a lovably obnoxious prostitute. Huh. Streisand plays a better hooker than Julia Roberts. Go figure.

"Sleepless in Seattle" (1993)
Oh, the early '90s ... such innocence. No personal e-mails for every household, no endless scrolls of confessional blogging, no chat room flame wars, no abysmal reality TV dating shows. Paris was still a place for lovers, New York had nothing to do with Tiffany Pollard, and Seattle was ... sleepless. It actually makes me a bit misty thinking how little we knew back then -- that we were on the precipice of a communication explosion. This watercolored memory steered me back to 1993's "Sleepless in Seattle," a movie where Meg Ryan falls in love with Tom Hanks the old-timey nontraditional way: from a call-in radio talk show. For some reason I thought the film's period quaintness might make me reassess what I disliked about it the first time around (boring, unlikable leads, silly side characters including Bill Pullman and Rosie O'Donnell, and an all-around hollow feeling). But, alas, it continues to disappoint. Maybe I'm a little paranoid, but there's something a tad stalkerish about Ryan's character as she falls for Hanks' architect widower, traveling from Baltimore to Seattle to track him down. There's a lonely feeling to this movie that's actually quite interesting, but rather than creating intriguing characters from such a predicament (and both Hanks and Ryan would be up to the task), the movie relies on lame clichés regarding men and women (did you know all women love "An Affair to Remember"?) and stock romantic scenarios. Interesting that Tom and Meg would fall in love through technology, yet again, in the equally sappy "You've Got Mail." Which brings us to ...

"You've Got Mail" (1999)
Through that magical innovation called e-mail, a woman corresponds with a man she's never met. They fall for each other and decide to meet not knowing that the woman, who runs a small, children's book store, and the man, a big-business, chain-store retailer, are archenemies. But, gosh darn it, they're both lovable moppets with crinkly smiles and that means everything when faced with this kind of narrative opposition. Reunite "Sleepless in Seattle" stars Ryan and Hanks, add some wacky sidekicks, slate Nora Ephron ("When Harry Met Sally ..." and "Sleepless") as screenwriter and director. Add a dash of modern pontificating, but not enough to make it too foreign-tasting, and whip to a light, fluffy froth. Serve lukewarm. Voilà! Modern Romantic Movie Soufflé! Blech! Delete! I want Billy Crystal back!

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