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They say you can't judge a book by its cover. Wrong! In honor of "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium," we reveal the worst movie titles of all time

By Sean Nelson
Special to MSN Movies

Every so often, a film comes along with a title so ridiculous, so embarrassing, so indescribably dumb that the whole world stands up to take notice. Mr. and Ms. Moviegoing Public, I present "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium." Disclosure: I haven't seen this film. Confession: I am mildly intrigued by this film's premise, and the special effects it will no doubt generate, because I have a soft spot for corny movies that bring a tear to the eye. Promise: I will never, ever see this film -- not even on an airplane. Why? Because there comes a time when even the most avid film fan feels the need to take a stand against Hollywood's insulting tendency to equate creativity with marketing. Because, based on the trailer, histrionics major Dustin Hoffman really has gone too far this time (Mr. Magorium = "Rain Man" + "Tootsie"). Because I'm tired of co-star Natalie Portman playing the same part in every movie. But, really, it's simpler than that: I refuse to say the word "Magorium" aloud. It's not a word, it's not even just a goofy contrivance to rhyme with "emporium" (note: it also rhymes with "crematorium," which is a movie I might consider seeing); no, it's studio code for "people will stand for anything." Well, I won't.

Of course, "Mr. M" (as we'll now call it) is hardly the first film with a lousy title. What follows are the 10 most egregious examples of audience abuse we could think of. If you have other nominees, or disagree with ours, we'd love to hear about it.

"Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" (1999)
Here's the obvious precursor to "Mr. M," if only because of the stupid, stupid rhyme of a name that no one could ever have and a vocation almost no one could ever do. Still, it's all but impossible to imagine that any filmmaker -- even one capable of naming a character who runs an emporium, "Mr. M" -- would ever seek to emulate this howling dog of late-20th-century low comedy. However, our purpose here is not to assail the oeuvre of star Rob Schneider (here's hoping that's no one's job), but to make the case that its title is among the 10 worst of all time. So forget the stupid, stupid rhyme. Forget the stupid, stupid name no one could ever have. Just remember this: ALL GIGOLOS ARE MALE!

"Jeepers Creepers" (2001)
Has there ever been a scary movie with a less scary title than this schlocky teen killfest named after a pop hit from the 1930s? Answer: No. For proof of this title's deep badness, it helps to speak it aloud in the gravelly, superdramatic voice of the man who narrates movie trailers. This method also works for runner-up "Dreamcatcher."

"Gigli" (2003)
French for "box-office bomb." But don't be fooled by the fact that it flopped commercially; the movie really sucks. Obviously, this movie has been handed down to history as this century's "Ishtar" (a movie both underrated and in the running for our worst-title runners-up list), a great big omelet of movie star ego -- specifically the two-headed beast composed of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez -- and scripted by committee. And if there were ever a perfect title for such a misbegotten enterprise, it would have to be "Gigli," a word that sounds like "jeely" and looks like "giggly." The fact that we'd never have known how to pronounce this name if it weren't for Hollywood TV gossip hosts seems perfectly appropriate -- otherwise you'd have to actually see the movie, and no one deserves that.

"Operation Dumbo Drop" (1995)
I want you to close your eyes and picture what this movie -- about a group of U.S. soldiers who have to airlift an elephant to a Vietnamese village so the villagers will cooperate with the United States against the North Vietnamese Army -- should be like given the title. Now consider that it's nothing like that at all. "ODD," featuring Ray Liotta, Danny Glover and Denis Leary, is actually kind of gritty, not heartwarming like a magical movie about elephants and helicopters ought to be. Plus, it's called "Operation Dumbo Drop." Did I mention that part already?

"Octopussy" (1983)
OK, we all get the thing about Bond films and winking, leering, in-the-know double entendre. But the penultimate Bond film featuring Roger Moore was completely out of hand. It doesn't even qualify as double entendre. It barely qualifies as single entendre. It's just porno. And bad, stale, old-man porno at that. Porno with a bad toupee and a body double for the stunts. Double-oh-nothing.

"Free Willy" (1993)
Uh ... what can one say about a movie called "Free Willy," particularly one aimed at kids that features a theme song by Michael Jackson. If "Octopussy" is intentionally graphic with a coy wink, this title is the photo negative: a blatant double entendre screaming to be born that goes completely unacknowledged by the film itself. It's hard to know which is worse, but because this film has a magical killer whale who learns to love a young boy ... oh, never mind.

"Hope Floats" (1998)
I can't help loving Sandra Bullock, but whoever is in charge of picking titles for her Lifetime-esque/woman's issue films should be reprimanded for letting this one through the gates. First, the phrase "hope floats" is stupid. It doesn't float. It can't. It has no physical properties. It is an abstract condition, and though it can float metaphorically, it's still a stupid image to build a movie around, no matter how Lifetime-y it might be. Second, did it really occur to not one person involved in this production that there is another thing that floats, one with plenty of physical properties (none of them pleasant) and also spelled with four letters? One with which you really don't want your movie associated?

"Without Limits" (1998)
I've included this because it's a rare example of a truly excellent movie whose commercial prospects were dimmed as the result of a movie studio (presumably) giving it a terrible title. Originally entitled "Pre" (which, to be fair, is not much better as a title), the film tells the true story of late long-distance runner Steve Prefontaine, whose athletic ability stemmed from an indomitable desire to win. You can say the same of most athletes, I suppose. But Prefontaine (Billy Crudup), as dramatized and directed by legendary screenwriter Robert Towne, ran every race as hard as he could, refusing to pace himself the way distance runners must on the grounds that it was the same as cheating. The film is full of rich characterization and powerful performances; it inverts the conventions of sports films but still delivers goods when the races are run. It's a fantastic movie. And you never heard of it because somewhere along the way, someone thought it would be a good idea to give it the most generic, passive, inane title imaginable. There was a rival film with the rights to the title "Prefontaine," so not using "Pre" makes sense. But "Without Limits"? They could have just as easily called it "Without a Satellite Dish Coming Out of His Head." Sigh.

"Feeling Minnesota" (1996)
By contrast, here is a really bad Keanu Reeves-Cameron Diaz movie that gets no help from its really bad title, which in this case refers to a Soundgarden song called "Outshined." It's possible that people know this song -- it was a pretty big hit; but it's way less likely that this particular lyric (which means, roughly translated from grunge, feeling "rough") remains embedded in the consciousness. The movie is similarly forgettable, though it showed promise. The problem, or at least one of them, is that the title is almost intentionally vague. In the song, it works, because it's a throwaway (contrasted with "looking California"), but this is a film set in a curiously generic '90s Minnesota, and it fails to describe or even suggest what the hell the title phrase even means. In the end, it joins the parade of two-word-titled forgettable films that includes "Crossing Delancey," "Leaving Normal," "Making Love," "Dying Young" and others.

"Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood" (1996)
The Wayans brothers, who really haven't had a single funny idea since "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka," throw every possible joke at the wall for this parody of the inner-city gangsta drama genre (itself already something of a self-parody by then). Not one sticks, and the labored title, which strings together as many titles of these films as it can, is proof of just how imaginative the result is. Seriously, they couldn't do better than "drinking your juice"?

RUNNERS-UP

"The Postman" (1997)
I've never heard a theater full of people howl like they did after watching the trailer for this Kevin Costner stinkasaurus. Coming soon: "The Meter Reader. "

"Sssssss"(1973)
Get it? It's a movie about snakes!

"Wholly Moses!" (1980)
I don't have a problem with puns ... except stupid ones.

"Up Close & Personal" (1996)
Please choose a more generic movie title. You have five seconds.

"Chu Chu and the Philly Flash" (1981)
I actually saw this movie several times as a kid; I never understood what the title meant, even though it refers to the title characters: a former chorus girl and a former baseball star.

"Dreamcatcher" (2003)
See "Jeepers Creepers."

"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" (2002)
Ugh.

"The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" (2005)
See "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"; see also: brainwashing young girls into equating consumerism with self-expression.

"Napoleon Dynamite" (2004)
This is fine on its own merits, but it's blatantly stolen from an Elvis Costello album cover, and no explanation is ever given.

What is the worst movie title of all time? Write us at heymsn@microsoft.com

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Sean Nelson is a Seattle-based writer and musician. He is the author of "Court and Spark," a book about Joni Mitchell, published by Continuum Books.