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That's right. OFF. We don't want to hear your stupid ringtone. We don't even want to hear your phone vibrate.
Because we can hear it, you know. We can hear you shift in your seat, reach in your pocket, jingle your keys and your penny collection, and take your phone out to see who's calling. Unless you're a transplant surgeon, you can be away from your phone for 90 minutes.
And don't even think about answering those incoming calls. As unbelievable as it sounds, some people do take calls during movies. We hate them. Hate, hate, hate.
Nearly as bad are the people who text while the movie's playing. You know how your cell phone screen lights up so you can see the reply? We can see that little light, too. It makes us want to kill you for distracting us from the movie we just paid $10 to watch.
Don't Gross Us Out
If you are sick, stay home. We would like to hear the movie, not the sound of you coughing up a lung. And we really don't want to catch whatever it is you've got.
Speaking of disease, the bottoms of your shoes are germ-infested horrors. Did you know that? Also, they don't smell so very nice. So why are you slinging them over the seat? Were you raised by chimps? Actually, that's unfair to chimps, who spend a fair amount of time on grooming. Just get your fraking shoes off the seats, already.
You know what else is disgusting? The sound of you and your date kissing. Forgive us if we spill our 32-ounce soda in your laps, but someone needs to quench the fire of your loins, and they give free refills at the concession stand, so ...
Have a Little Courtesy
Just like we don't want to hear you at the theater, we really don't want to smell you. Not your armpits, and not the perfume you dabbed on all your assorted pulse points. We also don't want to smell what you're eating, so please leave the warm tuna sandwich at home.
Likewise, we don't want to touch you. We don't want your bum-flaps to brush our faces when you scoot by us. Suck it in, please. And that armrest between us? It belongs to both of us, so why have you melted your forearm across it? Back! Back to your own seat, we say!
Take your trash with you, too. That's why they put trash cans outside the theater, so you can deposit your popcorn buckets and soda cups. Only real jerks leave their garbage for someone else.
And, finally, remember that there are people all around you.
Please don't be like the woman who frequents our favorite theater wearing what we call the "Jiffy Pop Hat." It's about 10 inches tall and made of stiff, brown leather. We believe it's stuffed firmly with her hair, only we can't tell for certain because she doesn't ever take the thing off.
Alas, the Jiffy Pop Hat is not transparent. It's not even translucent. It's like trying to watch a movie from behind a camel. Speaking of which, the Jiffy Pop Hat Lady also humps a suitcase with her to the movies. A suitcase. Can you imagine trying to slip past a suitcase in the aisle? You can't sit behind her. You can't sit near her. She's a one-woman toxic accessories site.
So unless you are running from the law, leave your suitcase and any luggage that you can't move without wheels.
Otherwise, we might have to break out the sneeze powder. Because another thing they didn't have in the olden days were online recipes for such things.
Oh, but we kid, because sneezing during a movie is annoying and we would never knowingly cause it.
We do have one solution, though, for people who can't help making rude
noises, smells and gestures. Do it at home, on your own couch, with people who
will love you anyway. It's called a DVD player. Try it.
Sound off: Comment on this story | Read
more: Features archive
Martha Brockenbrough
is author of "Things That Make Us [Sic]," a guide to funny bad
grammar published by St. Martin's press. She also blogs about family life for Cozi.com and writes an educational humor column
for Encarta.
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