Waist Mismanagement: Let's be clear: This is not about
whether Jessica Simpson has added a few pounds here or there. Her
body is perfectly fine. More than fine, actually. It currently has a decadently
va-va-voomy thing going on. No, the countrified starlet's figure is not the
... moreproblem. The problem is that she chose to crowbar said figure into what we feel
with some degree of certainty are the plug-ugliest jeans on the planet. These
high-waisted, mega-pocketed abominations are a crime against all pants, and to
dismiss them merely as mom jeans would be an insult to outmoded mothers the
world over. We realize it's tough to know what to wear when performing at the
99.9 KISS Country's annual Chili Cookoff (yes, a chili cookoff -- and somewhere,
Nick Lachey chuckles), but bell-bottomed, belly-smothering
denim that lengthens your crotch to such a degree that the Guinness World
Records people might take an interest is never the answer. Simpson is petite,
and petite women must be extra diligent about finding clothes that fit and
flatter. That means no Urkel rejects and definitely no double-banded,
leopard-print Peg Bundy belts with built-in muffin-topping capabilities.
Besides, it's not as if the perpetually Tony Romo-is-so-awesome-gushing blonde
doesn't know any better. This is a woman with her own clothing line, for crying
out loud. She's even donned hitched-up jeans before, with similarly gruesome results, although, come to
think of it, two months after stepping out in those rib-cinching,
silhouette-destroying trousers, she landed the cover of Us Weekly with her
exclusive secret to losing "20 pounds in two months!" Could this eye-clawing ensemble
actually be part of a master plan to garner a bit of much-needed publicity? And
would that make Simpson -- ouch, our brain is suddenly all hurt-y -- some sort
of evil mastermind? Only time, and the tabloids, will tell. Close
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