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And the Oscar goes to ...
The Potter kids. The kiss between Harry and Cho was among the most-hyped events of the summer, and these two definitely did not get their OWLs in chemistry. Brr. Bring on Ginny Weasley.

Biggest Waste of Money
We're with Barbie: Math is hard. So it's tough to work the Hollywood calculus of which movie is the biggest waste of money. Some movies, after all, are made for like $10. (Remember the nauseating production values of "The Blair Witch Project"?) In this case, even if it doesn't make millions, it's not as though the piggy bank was smashed in vain.

Other movies cost hundreds of millions of dollars, stink up the screen, and then still go on to gross billions overseas, in DVD rentals, merchandising, and money-laundering the profits from black-market organ sales, because -- come on -- who is paying money to watch some of this stuff?

So, in handing out the award for this category, we're taking actual dollars out of the equation, and just going with the principle of it all. What movie cost a fortune and disappointed us most when we saw it?

The nominees:
There were so many worthy performances this year. Our eyes tear up just thinking of them. But, in the end, "Bee Movie" and "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" get the nod.

"Bee Movie" was strictly average animated fare, and yet it was celebrated with a marketing campaign the likes of which should be reserved for a second coming. Pre-movie toys at McDonald's, annoying ads on NBC, and, the most unforgivable, that pathetic cameo by Jerry Seinfeld in the season premiere of "30 Rock."

And then there was the third "Pirates" movie, a big, expensive mess of a story in which Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow hallucinates -- almost as though he's a movie critic being forced to watch this work.

The Oscar goes to ...
"Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End." We never had high hopes for "Bee Movie." "Pirates," however, broke our sclerotic, tar-filled hearts.

Most Unbelievable Action Scene
When most people think of action scenes, they envision the likes of Tom Cruise holding tight to the top of a bullet train speeding through a burning tunnel. Or, this year, Bruce Willis in "Live Free or Die Hard," managing some 18-wheeler/helicopter/fighter jet action without losing grip on his AARP card.

We have a different definition of action, one that's even possibly more juvenile than the action-film genre. By "action," we mean romantic entanglement.

The nominees:
One of the funniest movies of the year, "Knocked Up," is based on the premise that a hot, successful young career woman will have an unprotected one-night stand with a schlub young enough to be, well, her younger brother or one of his basement-dwelling friends. On what planet is that believable action?

And then we have "I'm Not There," one of the year's most interesting films, in which a variety of top Hollywood talent plays the homely folk singer Bob Dylan. We're stunned by the death of Heath Ledger, a great actor. Just as he made a gay cowboy believable in "Brokeback Mountain," he made Dylan seem steamy -- the living embodiment of both unbelievable acting and action.

The Oscar goes to ...
Heath Ledger, for answering the "how many roads" question. We now see Dylan as a man, and we'll miss the many men Ledger would have been.

Most Obviously Done for a Paycheck
Look, we all do things we'd rather not do, just for the money. But we like to think that if we ever saw a seven-figure paycheck, or even one in the high six figures, or maybe something a bit less than that, that we'd develop standards.

Samuel L. Jackson, for example, should have been able to after reading in just three words that "Snakes on a Plane" was shameful bank-account padding. "Snakes on a ...": There's no word or phrase that could follow that would redeem this movie. Not even "... Sandwich, Being Eaten by Paris Hilton."

But that was 2006. What has been done for a paycheck lately?

The nominees:
This year, the most-guilty parties are the makers of "The Simpsons Movie" and Jackie Chan in "Rush Hour 3." Even with Spider-Pig, the long-awaited big-screen story of Springfield's first family was no better than the stuff we get for free on TV. Even Homer admitted as much in the first three minutes of the film. Even so, the Simpsons are a beloved national institution. We can't say the same for "Rush Hour."

The Oscar goes to ...
Chan, for the stale retread that was "Rush Hour 3." Real-life traffic offers almost as much interest.

The Character Who'd Make the Best Best Friend
There are movie characters we'd like to unclothe. Movie characters we'd like to have around in case of World War III. And then there are characters we'd like to be best friends with, maybe snuggled up together on the couch under an afghan talking about how hard it is to work for someone who doesn't really, really appreciate us.

Sometimes, a movie best friend is too good to be true. Leslie in "Bridge to Terabithia" was like this. She was creative, beautiful, kind and loyal.

SPOILER ALERT

It's no wonder she died.

The nominees:
In real life, it's better to have a best friend who's a little less perfect. That's why we love McLovin, from "Superbad," and Remy from "Ratatouille."

The actor who played McLovin, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, was only 17 when he filmed his sex scene, which meant his mom had to be on the set. That's the sort of humiliation that makes a person grateful to have a friend, any friend. Which means he'd probably accept our company. Not that we'd want anyone to know we were best friends. Things like that -- and our subscription to Cat Fancy -- we keep on the down-low.

But then there's Remy, who would be able to cook us really tasty meals. He's a rat, which is a bummer, but he did demonstrate commitment to hygiene in "Ratatouille."

The Oscar goes to ...
Who are we kidding? French food! With Patton Oswalt's voice! Remy, all the way.

Most Obvious Oscar Bait
If you want to win an Oscar, consider a role in which you: (1) don't wear makeup/wear an ugly nose; (2) have some sort of disability (developmental or physical); (3) uncover a conspiracy and do the right thing, no matter what the cost, restoring hope to a weary and jaded humankind; and/or (4) cross-dress; and (4a) weep prodigious tears.

It's (4a) that's going to keep John Travolta from winning an Oscar for "Hairspray," even though he cross-dressed, ironed and danced.

In any case, no one's ever going to win an Oscar for playing the role of the funny best friend -- even if he manages to pull off a convincing portrayal of a slacker with type-A sperm.

The nominees:
In 2007, Julie Christie starred in "Away From Her," about a woman with Alzheimer's, the sort of movie that is only appealing entertainment if you haven't actually lost a family member to the disease. And then we have Cate Blanchett playing Bob Dylan in "I'm Not There," in a drag performance that's anything but a drag.

The Oscar goes to ...
Christie, because she's getting kind of old, and Oscar likes a senior citizen.

Star With Whom We'd Like to Commit Adultery
Marriage vows are sacred and wonderful. We have nothing but respect for them. But in a world where good and evil robots that look like trucks fight to the death (or at least the demolition yard), a person is allowed to indulge in a little harmless fantasy.

The nominees:
This year we give the nod to a new and a familiar face: Megan Fox, whom our spouse and many sources insist is a treasure in "Transformers," and George Clooney, for simply appearing on-screen in "Michael Clayton" and "Ocean's Thirteen."

The Oscar goes to ...
Even though Fox's character knows about cars, the award goes, now and always, to Clooney. We don't care whether he's a criminal, a lawyer, or both. We'll be faithful to the idea of committing adultery with him forever. George, call us, OK?

Send us your most original idea for an Oscar category at heymsn@microsoft.com.

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Martha Brockenbrough is MSN's Cinemama, for the Parents' Movie Guide. She is also the author of "It Could Happen to You: Diary of a Pregnancy and Beyond." She's also founder of SPOGG, the Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar. She writes a fun-with-kids column for Cranium.com, as well as an educational humor column for Encarta. Check out her Web site.

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