I Love You, Beth Cooper

Beth Cooper, the main character in "I Love You, Beth Cooper," Larry Doyle's novel turned movie, is a fantasy for a high school geekasaurus like Denis Cooverman. She's pretty, sexy and the head cheerleader, standard-place fantasy material in institutions of secondary education. When Denis, the oft-overlooked valedictorian of their graduating class, turns his speech into an ode to her, astonishing her with the fateful words "I love you, Beth Cooper," he probably speaks for half the boys in his class.

But Beth, played by Hayden Panettiere in director Chris Columbus' desperately slapstick screen version of Doyle's book, is a double fantasy. She's a hottie who is also an exemplar of 21st-century self-awareness. She knows high school is the top for her, and that life will dethrone her soon enough. She knows all the boys who say they love her don't mean it. This Beth will, given enough time to get to know Denis (Paul Rust), identify him as a better man than she deserves, make out with him (or more) and send him off to a top-notch college with newfound confidence.

Meanwhile, she'll stay behind in their hometown and begin the business of getting fat and dreary in order to make the skinny and successful people from their class feel great about themselves at future reunions. Denis will certainly be among that crowd; in the movie, he's headed to Stanford and plans to be premed. Denis may love you, Beth Cooper, but we feel sorry for you. Yes, the premise is that Denis discovers you're just a real girl after all, but instead you feel so constructed, so designed, like the 3G blow-up doll for smart dorky boys everywhere.

As in the infinitely more charming "Superbad," the action in "Beth Cooper" takes place all in the course of the day and night of graduation, with Beth and her two girlfriends (Lauren Storm and Lauren London) and Denis and his best buddy Rich (Jack Carpenter) buzzing around town in Beth's little hatchback. But instead of feeling wistful, plausible and hilarious, the movie has the hyper energy of one of Columbus' "Home Alone" movies, all careening cars, champagne bottles popping in faces and endless clashes with unstoppable foes. Denis' speech may have caused Beth to deign to speak to him, but it also drew the ire of many of his classmates -- he made not-so-oblique critical references to many of them -- and of Beth's boyfriend, Kevin (Shawn Roberts), a military meathead who travels with two henchmen. They resurface repeatedly in the movie, which is about as engaging as turning the action over to a trio of rottweilers every 10 minutes or so.

The book suffers from a serious case of the cutesies -- it's loaded with pop culture references -- but was buoyed by wit and sharp observations. A few of those have survived the transition from page to screen, but so has a self-conscious cuteness. Doyle wrote the screenplay and has made too literal an adaptation. He holds onto lesser lines he clearly loved more than they deserved (like everything Rich says) and never made that key adjustment in tone from observational, which works on the page, to felt, necessary on the screen. The mood doesn't build on itself, the emotional moments barely register and you start to hope the sun will rise soon.

Of course, that could be blamed in part on the casting director. Panettiere ("Heroes") is as golden as a stack of pancakes, and about as interesting. Carpenter is generic. Rust is 28 and looks it. On the one hand, you can appreciate the filmmakers' willingness to cast a geek as a geek, but this actor, who looks like a youthful Sean Penn without any of the sex appeal, doesn't win us over. When Denis, appalled at Beth for having bartered a kiss for beer at the convenience store, sits in the back of her car, nursing his shattered illusions and muttering, "She's not Beth Cooper," he no longer seems like the underdog you can root for. He seems like a budding jerk, not worth her time. And that impression sticks.