June 5, 2007

Just six months ago, they were charmingly dubbed "The Three Bimbos of the Apocalypse." Now, Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, Paris Hilton is in jail and Britney Spears is posing in an unflattering thong bikini while cavorting on a beach in Mexico. Here's the latest on the troika of tragedy:

Lindsay is entering her second week at the Promises rehab center in Malibu, Calif., although it seems she's not exactly in lockdown at the "intensive medical rehabilitation facility." During the last few days, she's been snapped venturing out to the gym and church (hey, it's not like exercise and praying can be done just anywhere).

And what is LiLo's mom-cum-manager-and-club-hopping partner Dina Lohan doing while her mess of a meal-ticket daughter is popping in and out of treatment? If you guessed "dropping everything to be by her obviously troubled offspring's side," you'd apparently be wrong.

The New York Post claims Dina, who once described herself as "The White Oprah," is in talks with E! to star in a reality show tentatively titled "Mom-ager," which would track her as she tries to make Lindsay's siblings Ali, 13, and Cody, 11, famous.

Because it worked out so well the first time.

"Can you believe that? She totally messed up Lindsay by making her a 'star' and living vicariously through her -- and now she's going to do the same to the other two?" a source rails to the paper. "How the [bleep] can E! do this? Those kids should be in school having normal lives, the life that Lindsay didn't get to have."

Dina isn't the only one purportedly capitalizing on Lindsay's rehab stint. Britain's News of the World, which last month published pics purporting to show the spiraling starlet partaking in cocaine with pals, is now running shots featuring her posing with a large knife in her hand and mouth -- and against the throat of a brunette looker who has been identified as Vanessa Minnillo. 

No word on what prompted the strange (even for Lindsay) slice-and-dice photo session, which reportedly took place in June of 2006, not long after Minnillo began dating Nick Lachey.

Vanessa, who was also snapped pointing the blade at Lindsay's chest, "got caught up in the moment and thought it would be fun," an insider tells Us Weekly. "It was stupid and she regrets it. They were only fooling around."

A spokeswoman for Lohan and Minnillo failed to respond to our request for comment on the images, which the mag says were stolen from Lindsay's camera.

Meanwhile, as Lindsay makes the long climb back up the 12 steps at the cushy Promises clinic, Paris is holed up in more downscale digs, namely the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, Calif.

After a fun-packed weekend hitting the town with family and friends, the self-possessed starlet, 26, turned herself in on Sunday night to begin serving a 23-day sentence for driving on a suspended license.

"I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation," she declared in a statement (via People). "During the past few weeks I have had a lot of time to think and have come to realize I made some mistakes."

One of the "mistakes" Paris made: turning up for the Sarah Silverman-hosted MTV Movie Awards just hours before she began her incarceration.

Paris, decked out in a demure black strapless cocktail dress, failed to receive much support from the schadenfreude-filled crowd, who cheered loudly when Silverman pointed out that she was soon headed off to the pokey.

"The judge says that it's going to be a no-frills thing and that is ridiculous. She is totally gonna get special treatment," Silverman monologued. "As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are gonna paint the bars to look like penises. I think it's wrong, too. I just worry that she's going to break her teeth on those things."

As the audience hooted (even Jack Nicholson was seen chortling), the camera cut to Paris for a reaction shot and conveniently captured the exact moment when her spirit was crushed -- and our sympathy reawakened (damn you, Silverman!).

But still more mortifications await Hilton, who is housed in a special-needs unit away from the general prison population (in a change of plans, she is reportedly without a cellmate in her 12-foot-by-8-foot space, where she'll remain for about 23 hours of every day).

TMZ.com says her trademark long blonde extensions are a no-no in jail and will have to be removed during her stay. At least her glam and artfully lit mugshot highlighted her cascading counterfeit coif, which was swept to one side and set off her coy, lip-glossed smile and prison-issued jumpsuit.

Speaking of fake hair, some quality time in the slammer might do a world of good for Britney, at least when it comes to her mangled mane. The self-balding bygone pop star plumbed new tress depths this weekend while vacationing in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Brit-Brit paraded around for paparazzi sans her lately ubiquitous headband, which it turns out was valiantly covering up the hirsute horror atop her noggin, a two-toned terror of attached faux tufts that would compel even Medusa to run away screaming.

How dire is her 'do? Not even Spears' ill-fitting thong bikini, which proved that the mother-of-two is more than willing to turn the other cheek when there are shutterbugs around, could distract from her unholy ersatz locks.

We can only hope that someone can convince Britney that phony is out, natural is in and the pixie cut is now the hottest thing since ripped fishnets and being busted for DUI.

Next: Romance Report: Brangelina Need Alone Time