By Dave McCoy
MSN Movies

May 19, 2006

Riddle: What do you get when you cross hacks with a successful movie franchise?

Answer: "X-Men: The Last Stand"

Not very clever, eh? Well, neither is the third (and hopefully "last" indeed) installment of the once-smart and enjoyable "X-Men" series. Nor is it fun, exciting, or, at the very least, a nice little popcorn movie. One person leaving the very exclusive preview screening here at Cannes (the film doesn't makes its Palais premiere until Monday) exclaimed, "That was one of the worst movies I've ever seen."

Now, granted, it's not that bad (that'd be Alan Parker's "Mississippi Burning"... but we'll leave that for another time) and in fact, it's so silly that it's hard to get very worked up about it. I mean, honestly, when director Bryan Singer left the series to tackle "Superman Returns" and the studio signed Brett Ratner — the man behind such foolishness as "Red Dragon" and "Rush Hour" — to take over, did you think this would be a worthy successor to the first two? No, me neither... but I hoped, damnit. You gotta have hope, right?

Well, hope faded when the rumors started: Ratner is changing the original storyline or the cast isn't getting along with Ratner. And then earlier this year, "X-Men" suddenly became a trilogy! Oh, really? When did that happen? During a marketing meeting after some dailies were viewed?

But after watching the movie, the word "trilogy" seems most appropriate. You may have noticed I used the plural "hacks" earlier; that's because Ratner is not the only man responsible for this lame finale. No, we have a trilogy of trash and need to share the shovel. So let's give credit where credit is due and thank "screenwriters" Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn (the latter, by the way, should change his surname) for such wonderful lines as these:

• "Storm, you of all people should know how fast the weather can change."

• "Sometimes when you cage the beast, the beast gets angry."

• "If Magneto wants a war, he's got one!"

• "God help us all."

• "We will stand together... like X-Men."

• "Nooooooooooo!" — one character, screaming towards the sky, holding another dead character, camera craning above their heads (didn't "The Simpsons" kill that cliché?).

Here's the story these men concocted. This section (mostly) follows in the footsteps of the comics: It's a short time following the death of Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), and both Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and Cyclops (James Marsden) haven't healed (you can tell this about Cyclops because the poor man hasn't shaved, a sure sign of depression). When Cyclops begins hearing Grey's voice, he heads to the lake that drowned her, fires lasers into the water and bingo, Jean is back! But she's not Jean... it seems Jean had two sides and Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) suppressed her dark side. Now, she's back as the Phoenix and hell is about to break loose (poor Janssen has about seven lines in the film, and the rest of the time is left to glower).

Meanwhile, the government has come up with a way to "cure" mutants and offers it to the world. This angers Magneto (Ian McKellen, who, after this Cannes experience, needs to work in indie films for awhile), who then rallies mutants to fight back against the humans. Mutants are forced to choose sides, but we as viewers have no choice but to watch this play out until its big-bang conclusion. My favorite part: After about 15 minutes of fighting, Magneto bellows, "Let's end this war now!" War? Man, that was barely a battle.

Now, the other two "X-Men" didn't have much in the way of plot either. But what they did have was character relationships and some nifty subtext about homosexuality, race, and general otherness. Remember those wonderfully tender scenes between Wolverine and Rogue (Anna Paquin, completely wasted here)? Gone. We get one here, and Rogue is a non-issue in the movie. Instead, Ratner and company populate the movie with new mutants who have wicked awesome powers, dude... but whom you never get to know or even recognize half the time. Why not develop the characters you have? Oh, right... the next action piece, full of explosions and CGI, is coming up. Ratner loves his toys.

And remember the wink-wink "we know this is silly, but hell, let's have fun" humor? Gone too, replaced by wince-inducing catch phrases that Sly or Arnold wouldn't go near.

Personally, I can't wait to hear about the reception the finicky Cannes audience will give the film.

And Bryan Singer? "Superman Returns" better be good. You abandoned us.

Are you still excited to see "X-Men: The Last Stand"? Write us at heymsn@microsoft.com.

Dave McCoy is lead editor for MSN Movies.