By Dave McCoy
MSN Movies Lead Editor

If you've been following the prelude to today's worldwide premiere of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" (for the next few hundred words, we'll call it "Indy 4," OK?) here at Cannes, you probably thought I'd be delivering a juicy tale about how another slick Hollywood product got destroyed on the Croisette. You've probably heard about the vicious (if merited) receptions that "The Da Vinci Code" and "X-Men: The Last Stand" received here in 2006. And every trade paper and internet site, from London to Los Angeles to some moron's room in Austin, Texas, predicted the same treatment for Indy. One London paper said if Indy truly feared snakes, he should stay out of the den full of them at Cannes. Cute.

The outlook for Indy's French arrival didn't get much better when leaked reviews hit the Web last week and deemed the film a disaster. All the makings for a classic Cannes debacle were in place. And then something strange happened ...

The movie began, lasted two hours, ended and ... nothing. As the lights went down, a few folks in the balcony cheered and began serenading the screen with the film's theme song. When the lights came up, those same fans cheered. And the rest, the other couple thousand people packed into the Lumiere Theatre -- many of whom nearly trampled one another to get into the horribly organized screening? We, they, quietly stood up and filed out. The behavior was the same during the film: quiet, still, languid. Now, if we were watching a Ken Burns documentary, that wouldn't be uncommon.

Sadly that was what I experienced during "Indy 4." I didn't laugh much (there is a great prop joke about 10 minutes in and another snake gag that works), never felt exhilarated or had that incredible sense of "Oh, wow! That was cool!" That wave of nostalgia never washed over me when Indy first appeared. Nor did the absolutely incomprehensible plot either challenge or annoy me. I stopped trying to figure it out rather quickly, but there was nothing to distract me this time. Seriously, explain the plot of "Raiders" or "Temple of Doom." Go. I didn't think so ... it doesn't matter because the rest of those movies compensated for the convoluted plots.

But now, it's been several hours since I saw "Indy 4," and the only thing I can really say for certain is perhaps the most damning thing you can say about any action/adventure film: It's boring. And in fact, if I don't finish writing about it soon, I'm in serious trouble, because I won't remember it tomorrow. (I'm not kidding; I saw another film after "Indy 4" and I'm really having a tough time here, kids).

Before you say, "Well, Dave, you obviously don't like the series" -- well, I do. I own it, I love it and I can tell you exactly where I was the first time I saw all three films. So, even though I was skeptical of 65-year-old Harrison Ford donning the hat-and-whip combo again (oh, there is a salacious Calista joke in there, but I digress) and having to watch another one of George Lucas' ideas, the kid in me was excited. I just wanted to have fun. Silly me.

(One thing before moving on: I'm not going to tell you about the film's plot. First off, I don't want to spoil anything. Secondly, I'd need a huge chalkboard and some algebra equations to break it down for you. And I hate algebra. Quickly: Everyone is looking for an artifact called the Crystal Skull. It has powers. Sound familiar?)

Things start out promising. The film opens in 1957 in the Nevada desert. A car full of teens zooms along a road, blaring "Hound Dog," and comes across a military convoy. What we notice but they don't is that the soldiers are Russian, not American. The teens want a challenge, the Russians are game and soon we are watching the Cold War summed up as one big drag race ... until the convoy veers right, heads down another road and with that turn, the only clever idea vanishes. Soon, we're in a mammoth warehouse, where Indy is reintroduced to us by being tossed from a trunk. Surrounded by Russians, including leader Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett, looking better as a Bettie Page persona than Bob Dylan, but not quite nailing that Russian accent), Indy doesn't waste time reminding us why we fell in love with him in the first place. "We've been in worse spots before, Indy," says his old friend Mac (Ray Winstone). "We were younger," quips Dr. Jones, thus starting a bunch of running "Hey, isn't he too old to be doing this?" self-reflexive jokes.

But the thing is, Ford doesn't look ancient. He looks great, still fills the hat and punches like a drunk bastard at closing time (doesn't use the whip enough, though). The problem with "Indy 4" isn't that the actor has aged -- it's the formula that feels ancient. The structure for Indy films was always the same: huge action set piece, some silly plot, another action sequence, some fun characters and clever lines, more crazy action, massive finale that makes no sense but leaves us high. "Indy 4" is almost exclusively action, with zero story (convoluted plot is not story) and a teeny splash of characters -- Shia LaBeouf is the only major addition, playing Indy's sidekick, Mutt Williams ... hang on... laughing fit... OK. Actually, he's fairly engaging. I guess. Poor Karen Allen, however, is given nothing to do.

The first scene goes on for a full reel. There is a car chase in a Peruvian jungle that leads up to the film's finale. I swear it runs over 30 minutes. Is it occasionally impressive? Yeah, when it comes to technique, director Steven Spielberg is an action-sequence master. But it's void of any context or emotional resonance. The sequences are more exhausting than exhilarating, and feel like a dry run for a future theme-park ride (too bad Disney didn't make this, I guess). And that finale? I never really got mad at the film until its big climax, which is so laugh-out-loud lame that only George Lucas could conceive it.

But, regardless, nothing I've written matters here. Before you started reading this, you knew whether or not you'd stand in line for Indy's return and join him on his latest adventure. I get it ... I would have too. But all I can say is this: Consider yourself warn ... yawn ... zzzzzzz.

A demain ...

Monday: A weekend wrap-up featuring Woody Allen, Mike Tyson, a bunch of dysfunctional families and more ...

Dave McCoy is lead editor for MSN Movies. He's filing daily dispatches from Cannes through May 25.

How excited are you for "Indiana Jones"? What excites you the most about it? Write us at heymsn@microsoft.com

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